Social media is not real life – except when it is.
For some people, life resembles X to a disturbing degree, which is already causing major problems among families, friends, neighbors, and co-workers. Ever since President Donald Trump stepped onto the political stage, we have seen a deluge of stories of people shunning their family members over politics.
I came across an “Ask a Therapist” piece in The New York Times titled “I Hate My Parents’ Politics. Should I Keep My Son Away?”
A reader explained that she and her husband “are raising our wonderful 2-year-old son” and that “[b]oth of our families live far away”:
He isn’t close with his family, while I have a somewhat closer relationship with mine, particularly my dad and stepmom. However, they are Trump voters, and my husband doesn’t want our son spending time with them because they endorse values we do not share.
We are liberal, and our occupations are currently being negatively impacted by Trump administration changes, which has only heightened my husband’s concerns. While I don’t entirely disagree with his perspective, it’s still important to me that our son has the opportunity to know his grandparents. I’ve made it clear to my husband that he’s welcome to sit out visits if he prefers, but he remains uncomfortable with this arrangement.
We’ve reached an impasse, and I’m unsure how to move forward. I don’t want to disregard his feelings, but I also want to honor my own.
How should we handle this?
Therapist Lori Gottlieb responded, explaining that “[w]hat seems like a disagreement about family politics is actually a more general challenge that most couples face at some point in their marriage: how to navigate competing priorities.”
Put simply, you want to prioritize connection: your son’s relationship with his grandparents. Your husband wants to prioritize protection: preventing your son from exposure to values he believes are harmful:
Both positions come from a place of wanting the best for your child, so let’s look at each more closely through this lens. First, it’s not unusual, especially in today’s polarized culture, for a parent to try to create a kind of ideological safety zone for a child. I imagine you and your husband want to raise your son with compassion and critical thinking skills, but children don’t grow into compassionate critical thinkers by being kept in bubbles. They grow into thoughtful, empathetic, discerning people by being exposed to a range of perspectives, and by having trusted adults around them who help them make sense of those perspectives. Children who are raised in households where conversation is encouraged, rather than ideology enforced, tend to become adults who can think for themselves. That’s why it’s not just OK for your son to be around people with different worldviews — it can be valuable.
The therapist further pointed out that preventing grandparents from interacting with their son “would be modeling values that I’m guessing he wouldn’t ordinarily endorse or want to pass along to your child, such as seeing others in a very narrowly defined way”:
For example, are your father and stepmother warm and kind to your son? Are they cordial with you and your husband, and willing to arrange visits despite the fact that they disagree with your views and might even consider them offensive? If so, is it possible that the people your husband wants to shield your son from are more open-minded than he is when it comes to viewing others in a nuanced and expansive way?
As your husband prioritizes protecting your son from exposure to certain values, he might also consider what happens when your son is older and asks why he was prevented from knowing his otherwise loving grandparents: We cut people off who have different views than we do. Does that align with the values your husband hopes to impart? It’s also possible that your husband’s impulse is to punish your parents for their views by withholding their grandson. Could he take a step back and consider if this rings true?
Gottlieb then pointed out the possible impact of the husband’s selfishness on their child, asking, “What will it be like for him when, throughout his childhood, he’ll hear about the fun his friends are having with their grandparents – sleepovers, rituals, traditions, holidays, travel, Grandparents’ Day at school?’”:
Then there’s the ripple effect this will have on you: Estranging your son from your father and stepmother will most likely lead to their estrangement from you, a loss that might be too much for you (and your marriage) to bear.
Gottlieb recommends allowing the grandparents to visit with their child, but ensure that political ideology does not emerge during these interactions:
If visits veer into ideological territory that makes time together tense, you can say to your father and stepmother something like: “We so enjoy being with you and watching you spend time with your grandson. Because we don’t agree on politics and want these visits to be pleasant, we’d like to avoid sharing political opinions when we’re together.
Let me get this part out of the way: The husband sounds like a selfish scumbag.
As Gottlieb pointed out, what this man is asking his wife to do will not only harm their child, it will also alienate his wife from her parents – something neither of them deserve, assuming her parents are decent, loving grandparents.
But the fact that anyone would be willing to deprive their child of loving grandparents simply because they voted for the Orange Man What Is Bad™ reveals how deeply politics has permeated some people’s lives. Politics should never hold this much power over family dynamics.
Children need to have as many people around to love them as possible. They need to make memories with family members. For the husband, family isn’t all that important, apparently, but the fact that he can’t even respect his wife’s relationship with her parents could indicate there is something else going on here.
Still, this further goes to show that for some, politics is even more than a religion. It is an obsession, one that takes precedence over everything else. This is disturbing on many levels. As time goes on, and the country becomes even more polarized, we will likely see more stories like this. When all is said and done, we can only hope America will return to a time when political differences are nothing more than realities that might make us roll our eyes instead of cutting people off completely.