The chatter about gender-based discrimination never stops. But the silence roars when it comes to a significant segment of society that faces unbelievable structural sexism moored in regressive 1950s thinking. On this special day, we should recognize this marginalized group that will not receive a sit-in at any Ivy League campus, but who, nevertheless, deserve advocacy: Daddies.
This is my first Father’s Day celebrating with my shaggy-haired, bright-eyed, mini-me. The morning joy of seeing his little raised arms and calls for his “baba” (bottle) never fades, nor does the simple knowledge that he is OK. A year ago, the first Father’s Day of my toddler’s short life, I spent trying to figure out where his mother had abducted him or, for that matter, whether either of them was still alive with us. Her numerous episodes of self-harm justified such concerns.
My son’s kidnapping just weeks after his birth finally ended almost a year later with the help of a community of supporters and the Chicago Police Department, who found my son and his mother cowering in the condo of a previous flame whom she openly described as an “obsessed, drug-addicted loser.” I was thrilled that my son was alive and well, and certain that the courts would bring him back to me — or so I thought.
I soon learned what many loving fathers have concluded: the system is rigged against us. Sure, things are not as bad as they once were. The long-argued 19th century “tender years doctrine,” which automatically favored mothers during custody disputes, has been replaced with a focus on the “best interest of the child,” but this too is highly subjective and easily gamed.
Family court judges disproportionately grant custody to mothers at an astounding rate. It is estimated that fathers receive primary custody during contested disputes only around 20% of the time, a statistic that should be a call to arms for any devout equality-focused feminist.
The best-interest framework itself rewards bad behavior. By kidnapping my son to another state, my child’s mother bought herself time. Not only did it take months to track her down, but the resulting jurisdictional questions dragged the process out and stopped me from raising questions about my son’s safety.
The longer a mother has a child, the easier it is to argue that removing it from her would harm the youngster. Enrolling the little one in new schools or activities applies additional maternal cement. In 2024, de facto kidnapping and other such alienating behaviors have become effective strategies in custody disputes.
Some states have tackled this obvious problem by establishing 50/50 joint custody regimes. Such a standard presumes the importance of each parent from the start and seeks to establish equal parenting time unless extenuating factors dictate otherwise. This creates the presumption of gender equality within the family court system.
Florida and Kentucky recently enacted such legislation, but most of the U.S. states are still catching up. This raises the daunting question as to why there isn’t more of an outcry for equal parental rights, particularly within progressive state legislatures that pride themselves on being at the forefront of gender consciousness.
Decades of research data tell us that children need their fathers, yet many feminist organizations continue to oppose common-sense reform. How do the same activists who claim that women should be in the boardroom, not the kitchen, simultaneously advocate women’s inherent gender-based advantage in child-rearing? Where is the outrage over family courts’ 1950s, stay-at-home-mom view of the modern woman? Talk about reinforcing stereotypes!
Sabotaging one parent’s legal rights by another is known as parental alienation. This is an insidious form of child abuse. Yet our family-court system often yields to its perpetrators. Bullying is no longer socially acceptable- unless it’s within the confines of family courtrooms.
If we are going to throw off the shackles of antiquated gender roles, let’s start with the institutional sexism that affects society’s greatest asset: our children. State legislatures should pass gender-neutral parenting laws and punish parents who use their children as weapons against their former partners. Parental kidnapping and lying about paternity-related matters should be criminalized, and judges should have their decisions scrutinized for gender bias. It’s time to send this strong message: Daddies matter!
My own situation is still ongoing. However, as traumatic as my son’s kidnapping has been, it has had one profoundly positive effect. Having lost my son once, I never take a moment with him for granted.
As we honor America’s fathers today, remember also to cherish every minute with the little ones who make life so meaningful!
Timothy Furey is a financier, civil rights activist, and proud daddy.